Mama Mita's 2004 Wrap Up!

Top Pop Culture Disasters of the Year:


(1) Jennifer Coolidge “What have you done to your career?”
Probably one of the reasons I still have faith in Hollywood. This is one lady who is giving Hollywood and independent movies some of the greatest moments on screen. Most recently, I had seen a preview for another excruciatingly painful Hillary Duff teeny bop movie a Cinderella Story, and then Ms Coolidge appeared on screen. And no matter how much I wanted to hate the movie, I kept chuckling. The woman’s amazing ability to play supporting roles and some of the greatest character roles in modern cinema is matched by no other. But she is just killing herself; I mean I can only forgive so many times. Hillary Duff, Joey, Lemony Snickett, somebody needs to shake her and get her back on track. If she chooses mainstream, why can’t she find more of Stiffler’s mom.

(2) M Night Shamalyan is not the next Hitchcock
This movie. The ending. The way he belittles his viewers. His sick fascination with casting himself. The horror. Joaquin Phoenix’s one emotion. Who ever had the gall to compare him to Hitchcock. Jesus, this movie was worst than Glitter.

(3) Nipplegate – oh Damita was a victim of this mess
Apparently it was a bad thing we saw Janet’s nipple. More importantly who the hell cares? If we have succumbed to a culture where we freak out over a nipple we seriously must revaluate our existence. I mean for the love of god, it was just a freaking nipple. It could have been worse; it could have been Star Jones.

(4) The Phantom of the Opera
See my review for number 2. Remove Joaquin insert Emmy Rossum. Enough said. Well maybe not, but it was just trash. Wonderful music turned into a bad CBC movie version of Phantom. Were the casting directors on acid?

(5) Nelly – “Who thought it was a good idea to let him release two albums?
Duet with Tim McGraw, Duet with Jaheim, having Christina yell at him because he is making her all sweaty. Naming his album ‘Sweat’. My head just hurts thinking about this. The band-aid on the face. If there was justice in the world we would have been sparred.

(6) Jessica Simpson performing live “Why does she have an orgasm each and every time?”
Why nobody has questioned Jessica Simpson’s bastardization of Take My Breath Away – Every time this song comes on the radio, it just makes me want to puke. Did she enter the studio with the instructions to ‘sing it like you are having an orgasm?” I want to call whatever radio station is playing it and scream obscenities at them. To me this form of a bastardization of a song is almost as bad as nuclear war. Yet, whenever Mrs. Lachey graces my television set, I am fixed on her. I tune in to watch her ridiculously staged antics on her MTV show; I will admit it, I even tuned into her god-awful variety show on ABC. And the worst part is I watched the whole thing. From her appearances on every award show, Diva’s live concert, and now apparently she is to star in the Dukes of Hazard remake, I feel compelled to watch her; and I will admit it, I don’t know why. So I guess she is what I call a pop culture anomaly. At best she is a 3rd rate talent who can’t dance, has a great voice with mediocre songs and possibly one of the dumbest personalities out there; not to mention the fact when I see her father around her, all I can think of is a stage parent from Bravo’s show about stage mom’s. Yet I still watch on. So this is why I guess nobody has questioned Jessica Simpson’s bastardization of Take My Breath Away. Well Mrs Lachey, you go girl as long as it lasts!

(7) Joey – “A disgrace to our previous friends”
Somewhere Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Phoebe and Ross are all screaming at the trash that is ‘Joey’. I mean WTF?!?!?!? Are they serious? The show is just plain awful. I always had my doubts that Matt LeBlanc could sustain a show on his own but this is just awful. And it shouldn’t be. With a strong supporting cast, Jennifer Coolidge (see number 1), Drea Demateo and gang, it has the makings of a classic, except all it does is make me long for re-runs of Full House. Oh Bob Sagat I wonder what you are up to these days.

(8) What happened to Brittany Murphy?
When I first saw this girls work, I thought ok, so she has made a few poor choices, but she has some mad skills. Playing some great character roles in Clueless, Girl Interrupted, Drop Dead Gorgeous, 8 mile and Don’t Say a Word, Brittany showed great versatility for a young up and coming Hollywood starlet. And now she has gone right to the clunker; I mean if Uptown Girls wasn’t one of the worst movies of the last century, I am sure Little Black Book is. And that whole Ashton Kutchner thing. I am convinced he ruined her. In any event, I hate it when bad things happen to good people. If I was Brittany Murphy, I would start eating again for starters (that’s right I don’t think she has eaten since Clueless) and then maybe since she wouldn’t be hunger crazy she would make better movie decisions.

(9) Star Jones Wedding

I am not sure I even need to say anything. Pictures say a thousand words. (Ugh!)

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Top Songs of 2004:

Listen - I don’t think these are the most brilliant songs of the year, but like everything else that I take into account radio, what count on with the masses and what I felt like had the funk. I am aware that I have awful taste sometimes, so suck it. That said, read on.

(1) All Nite Don’t Stop – Janet Jackson

Hands down this was the song of the year. I mean with lyrics like “Work it like you are working the pole”, it really doesn’t get any better. This song has probably the catchiest dance beat of the last 5 years and is everything amazing that was Damita Jo. Too bad the rest of the world couldn’t check it out.

(2) Somebody Told Me – The Killers

A lot of you maybe scratching your head, but I have been waiting for years for somebody to make the 80’s cool again at pop radio. The Killers finally did that, with this kicking ode to The Cure, INXS, Psychedelic Furs and all the greats of the 80’s.

(3) What you Waiting For? – Gwen Stefani

It really was the year of the 80’s for me. Gwen proved she could hold a séance and become Madonna from decades past. “You’re a super hot female”, yes Gwen I guess in your own psycho world you really are.

(4) Crabbucket – K-OS

The man has some of the finest rhyming skills around, and he knows his funk. With flavor and depth, K-OS wowed me more than any other breakout artist this year. Sampling The Cure was genius. I can’t wait for his big U.S. breakthrough.

(5) Ocean Avenue – Yellowcard

I did have a lot of debate as to if this actually might be my favorite song of the year. But at the same time, this song represents everything MTV that I hate. But like everything MTV, you are drawn to it, no matter how bad it is (check out the Newlyweds and you will know what I mean). Great summer beach song.

(6) We Will Still Need a Song – Hawksley Workman

He grows on you. He really does. Amazingly catchy pop song; saw him twice live this year, he will win you over. Buy the album. Go out and do it now. I’m waiting. Hurry up. Still waiting. He even wears a feather boa, what more could you want. But seriously the man has mad skills.

(7) Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Who knew she had it in her to have a huge hit. I gotta give props to my lady Kelly for coming out with the catchiest pop song of the year for radio. For the first time you can hear her having fun; and who knew Max Martin would return. The one and only American Idol. Granted, it is fluff, but if you are gonna have fluff who better than KC!

(8) All Falls Down – Kanye West

“Single Black Female, Addicted to Retail” lol no truer words have never been spoken. Kanye had one of the best albums of the year and proved he didn’t have to go all thug and whatever the hell ‘crunk’ is to show how cool hip hop can really be.

(9) Leave (Get Out) – Jojo

Teen princess of the year goes to Jojo; sorry Hillary your vestal virgin days are over. Nobody wowed me more than she did this year; and that is saying a lot considering the little hoe is only 13. I mean, why is she screaming about some man to leave her bed and get out? She is only 13! In any event, when you are driving down the road and you see others singing in their car, this was their guilty pleasure of the year. You try and not sing the chorus, I betcha you can’t do it. Jojo’s next big hit “My bun in the oven”.

(10) Take Your Momma – Scissor Sisters

If you only knew what this song was about you would flip. Scissor Sister produced one of the best concept albums of the last twenty years this year. Furthermore, reincarnated the Bee Gees, Elton John, Disco and 80’s rock. Who doesn’t want to take your momma out. Also check out ‘Tits on the Radio’.

(11) Talk About our Love – Brandy ft Kanye West

Brizandy had possibly on the best R&B albums of the last ten years. Too bad nobody bought it. Kanye produced yet another funked up retro beat.

(12) Ordinary People – John Legend

Once AC radio finds this guy they ain’t gonna let go. He is the Stevie Wonder for our era. Amazing album, the man has some mad skills. This slow jam was one of my favs of the year.

(13) American Idiot – Green Day

First off, nobody can write a pop song like Green Day. Secondly, the album was great. Amazing art work, wicked follow up singles, and the second best concept album of the year, or last many years for that matter. Who knew by just adding some mascara that Billie Joe would be cool?

(14) I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness

Haha, I love 80’s glam bands. The mullets, the one piece leotards, and when he screams ‘GUITAR’ before his solo. Sheer brilliance. These guys rocked the whole year.

(15) Try – Nelly Furtado

The gal never gets the cred she deserves. Once again, having one of the best pop singles of the year, it never got on anywhere. Maybe if she just could just stop shopping in the Salvation Army bin, people can begin to appreciate her music for how awesome it really is.

(16) You Had Me – Joss Stone

“Sniffing on blow when you’re feeling low” oh no truer words have ever been spoken Joss lol. Too funny, her deep husky voice though is perfect for her old school vibe. With an album of all new material, she rocked the U.S. this year.

(17) Cold Hard Bitch – Jet

These guys are kind of like a no-brainer for me. The closest thing I will ever get to an AC/DC resurrection in the new millennium. Plain straight up old school rock fun. Plus they say bitch a lot.

(18) Pieces of Me – Ashlee Simpson

Debate this one all you want. Maybe I should write it as Pieces of Me and then put the artist as the producer of the song. I don’t care. Someone made a catchy as hell pop song, perfect for all those 14 year olds and grown men of the world.

(19) If I Ain’t Got You – Alicia Keys

This lady proves to have true class with release after release. I was leary after her first single was a bit of a dud, but this track proved to me she is here for the long run. Hot and talented, what more do you need. Note to her publicist, don’t let Alicia dance please.

(20) Dip it Low – Christina Milian

“Dip it low, pick it up slow, twirl it all around and make your man say ohhh” (hehe it just makes me giggle like a little school girl, hehe)

(21) She Likes to Move – NERD
I don’t know what the hell are in Pharell’s wheaties but the man has the funk. I love it. One of the most underrated album’s of the year. ‘You ass is a spaceship I want to ride”.

(22) Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand
These guys super impressed me this year. Great pop/rock album. If you haven’t checked it out, go for it.

(23) Call On Me – Eric Pridz
Who doesn’t love cheesy 80’s rip offs. And the video, group sex in an aerobics class, lol, who could have thought of anything more brilliant.

(24) Dare you to Move – Switchfoot
Ok, what the hell? You release a song like 4 years after it was originally released and it becomes a hit? Doesn’t matter I guess, because even though they are a ‘christian rock band’ (which just makes me want to cringe), Switchfoot had one of the coolest rock songs of the year, even though they did channel a little ‘Jon Bon Slippery When Wet’. Remind me why that was a good thing again?

(25) World On Fire – Sarah McLaughlin
I do realize that most of her songs are more perfect for a day at the spa as opposed to radio, but something about Mrs Sarah is just haunting. She redeemed herself with the video for this tune.

(26) Toxic – Britney Spears
Say what you want, this song was awesome. It is the type of song Slutty Spears should make all the time. Who didn’t love her as an action hero? And better yet, her voice is synthesize 100% of the time. So damn catchy though.

(27) Vertigo – U2
Hello, hello, why the hell is Bono screaming in some foreign language? I don’t understand.

(28) Lose My Breath – Destiny’s Child
“Can you keep up, Baby Boy, lemme lose my breath”. Well, Beyonce how many men have you said that too? That being said, the drum line on this song is amazing. Who knew marching bands could be so cool? Moreover, who knew Rodney Jerkins would ever have another hit after “The Boy is Mine”. Great single from DC, too bad their album blew chunks.

(29) Penny and Me – Hanson
Penny likes to drown her pain in lemonade, oh yes you do Penny. The MMMBop losers are back, with probably the best pop album of the year. I realize this is a bold statement. Check it out; Isaac even dishes on his overdose.

(30) Seven Days Without You – Avion
Ala Mr Big – Be With You, Bon Jovi – Always, Aerosmith – Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, Avion should have had a huge power ballad hit. Too bad, classic song, hopefully they will take off in the coming year.

Honorable mentions:
Drop It Like It’s Hot – Snoop Dogg ft Pharell (all I can say is Drop it like it’s hot)
Flawless (Go To The City) – George Michael (Cause you’re beautiful like no other, I loved hearing those words in the morning, who needs Prozac if you got this)

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10 Worst Songs of 2004:

(1) The Reason – Hoobastank
I would rather kill myself than ever hear this song again. Enough said.

(2) Over and Over – Nelly ft Tim McGraw
In theory it sounds great: lame ass middle-aged country superstar in tight jeans and cheesy rapper who has lost all his street credibility. Ok wait, never mind…The fact that this was ever even made infuriates me.

(3) Soldier – Destiny’s Child
“I need a soldier, he gotta carry big things if you know what I mean.” Umm no honey, I don’t know what you mean. As a wise music critic once told me, all the poor children in the Bronx and South who cannot afford food or an education insist on buying Beyonce’s trash. Alas, she will continue to spawn more babies momma’s.

(4) Redneck Woman – Gretchen Wilson
“I'll stand barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip.” Enough said.

(5) Confessions – Usher
If a girl were to make an album about being the home wrecker to Usher’s confessions now that would be genius. Why can’t this idiot keep his clothes on? I am all for top 40 radio, but for the love of god, I hope he gets and STD and leaves us all alone.

(6) Just Lose It – Eminem
Once perceived as the Bob Dylan of our generation, he is now nothing more than a lame gimmick. I think Marshall Mathers needs to take a hard look at himself and find some new skills. One of the biggest disappointments of the year.

(7) Move Ya Body – Nina Sky
Who knew there was two of them? More importantly who cares? Seriously though, ripping off Sean Paul is never a good way to make a hit; and why does the video look like they are all stuck in a light-bright set?

(8) 1985 – Bowling for Soup
The band is called Bowling for Soup. The video rips off the amazing White Snake to no avail. Awful, plain awful.

(9) My Place – Nelly ft Jaheim
He is just that bad. He deserves to be on here twice. Who the hell is Jaheim? And why are him and Nelly singing out ‘my place’? Make this man go away. Anyone know a good sniper?

(10) Take My Breath Away – Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson’s producer in the studio words of encouragement “Now sings it like you are having an orgasm?” The video is nothing more than a short clip porn with her finding a way to get off on camera.

Honorable mentions:
Daughters - John Mayer (not sure what sort of weird daddy fetish he has, but oh dear);
Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan (they just plain annoy me)
Predictable - Good Charlotte (do I really need to say anything about this?)

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Lights, Camera, Action - The Year in Film

It was an unusual year in film; lots of big blockbusters, an usual amount of cartoon and animated features and some much hyped movies turning out to be real duds. All in all though, there were some extremely moving performances and pictures of the year. While I am sure these lists are debatable, the following represent to me the best in film over the last year, taking both commercial and non-commercial pictures into account.

All in all there was some great films and great performances. Now do I think they will all get the accolades they deserve, ummm no. Furthermore, some pictures I have only seen on the small screen (My computer - Yes, I illegally download - deal with it!) so their impact may change once viewed on the big screen.

Hands down the movie event of the year for me was ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. After watching this movie, I was convinced that true love exists. The movie is breathtakingly beautiful, and Kate Winslet gives a performance that hasn’t been matched since Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs.

Garden State also proved to be another highlight for me. It is kind of a no-brainer relating to this coming of age tale. But with his off-beat humour and amazing ability to capture the subtleties that are everyday life, Zach Braff is a genius. Natlie Portman also shone in this pic. Portman also had an amazing year, with two turns in amazing roles. I give her a big high five as well.

I know many of you out there didn’t enjoy Closer the way I did either, but the raw hatred of human relationships and betrayal just blew me away. I had my doubts about the casts, but the simplicity of the film and the character development was amazing and hearing Julia Roberts telling me how she likes to be f*cked doggy style and take it in the face was fun too.

Other highlights include, Bill Murray getting high every chance he could in Life Aquatic and Uma Thurman finally killing Bill. Also, if you haven’t checked out the cinematography in Hero do so, it will blow you away.

Lindsay Lohan also proved she could be one hotty bitch, and Thomas Hayden Church finally redeemed himself from Ned and Stacey (I still love you Debra Messing). Oh my god, how could I forget one of my highlights of the year “I’m so rornery, so rornery” and all the puppet sex. I am going out of my mind waiting for the DVD. Finally, Mr. Footloose (Kevin Bacon) giving one of the most haunting performances ever, surely to be overlooked by the Academy due to the nature of the subject matter, but it is a masterpiece. Oh Kevin we are holding out for a hero.

Other than that see below, for my picks of the year. I am sure I am forgetting lots and always narrowing it down is never easy, but meh, what can you do.

Top Movies of 2004:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Garden State
Closer
Sideways
Million Dollar Baby
Spiderman 2
Team America World Police
Kill Bill Volume 2
Mean Girls
The Life Aquatic

If I were an Academy Awards ballet holder:(my winners are in bold/italics if you couldn’t figure that out)

Best Picture
Million Dollar Baby
Garden State
Closer
Sideways
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Spiderman 2

Best Actor
Jim Carrey – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Zach Branff – Garden State
Don Cheadle – Hotel Rwanda
Bill Murray – The Life Aquatic
Paul Giamantti - Sideways
Kevin Bacon – The Woodsman

Best Actress
Catalina Sandino Moreno – Maria Full of Grace
Kate Winslet – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Hillary Swank – Million Dollar Baby
Julia Roberts – Closer
Julie Delpy – Before Sunset
Uma Thurman – Kill Bill Vol. 2

Best Supporting Actress
Natalie Portman – Closer
Kate Winslet – Finding Neverland
Angelina Jolie – Alexander
Zhang Ziyi - Hero
Virginia Madsen – Sideways
Cate Blanchette – The Aviator

Best Supporting Actor
David Karadine – Kill Bill Vol. 2
Clive Owen – Closer
Morgan Freeman – Million Dollar Baby
Thomas Hayden Church – Sideways
Mark Walhberg – I heart Huckabees
Trey Parker & Matt Stone – Team America: World Police

Best Director
Clint Eastwood – Million Dollar Baby
Martin Scorsese – The Aviator
Alexander Payne – Sideways
Zach Branff – Garden State
Michel Gondry – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Michael Mann - Collateral

Worst Movies of 2004:
Below are some of the worst of the worst. I mean just awful. There are plenty more doozies out there but here are a few that made me want to get up from the theatre and run. Run very, very far away.

The Village
I am still writing my letter to the film’s producers asking for my money back. Also, Adrian Brody, you won an Oscar; thus, you should be able to read. What part about that horrific script did you not understand? And for the love of god any critic that ever said M. Night was the next Hitchcock, I would write a retraction as we speak.

Van Helsing
Not sure what sort of weird Transylvanian accent Kate Beckingsale was channeling, but somebody needs to tell her. And her breasts, were they meant to have a starring role in this movie? I didn’t see them listed on the promo posters. So much CGI I don’t even know why they did this live action. A farce of a monster movie.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events
It is too bad that Jim Carrey was in the best movie of the year and the worst. This movie had some very cool cinematography, but was so disjointed, had no real plot and left me feeling so frustrated.

Finding Neverland
First sign of a bad movie, you spill your pop corn everywhere (that’s you Joni). Secondly, falling asleep typically not a good sign. Kate Winslet was brilliant, Johnny Depp just seemed to channel a subdued Michael Jackson. And why is this good?

After the Sunset
Note to Woody Harelson call the makers of Cheers and beg them for a reunion special.

The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
I cant even begin to understand why we went to this movie. I blame this all on Jamie. Granted the first one had typical Garry Marshall humour, I feel he must have been absent for 99% of the filming of this movie and left it up to the Deaf and Blind association of America.

The Punisher
If you have seen it, enough said.

The Phantom of the Opera
It could have been the best of the year. See number 4 of my pop culture disasters of the year. They might as well have cast Star Jones as the Phantom, at least it would have been funny.

The Stepford Wives
Apparently Nicole Kidman is suffering from the same sort of dyslexia that Adrian Brody is going through since he won the Oscar. Can nobody read scripts anymore? Such an amazing cast, what a weird and demented movie; who the hell was the target audience?

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So that wraps up the review of 2004. You might not agree with everything I said, but feel free to leave your comments :) American Idol reviews start next week - stay tuned! Don't forget to subscribe so you get new posts delivered right to your inbox!!!

Much Love, MAMA